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Well.

Somebody said my blog is not telling anything personal. It's a blank, personally and psychologically... so here's something to all of you which might make you babble, blab, cackle, chatter, converse, gab, gabble, gas, jabber, jaw, palaver, patter, prate, prattle, rap, rattle, run on, talk, twitter, visit, or gossip, tattle, or just shoot the breeze.
(Prepositions are always the most difficult part in foreign languages - do you say to babble, blab, cackle, chatter, converse, gab, gabble, gas, jabber, jaw, palaver, patter, prate, prattle, rap, rattle, run on, talk, twitter, visit, or gossip, tattle, or just shoot the breeze about?)

Somebody else mentioned my wanton lifestyle. Or licentious? Whatever, it's my lifestyle, so I think I have to bear it; but sure - I'm still open to good advice.
Good advice, however, is not coming in galore; and well, yes, I'm not asking for it actively, usually. And this here is not a request for good advice, either. It's more of a question: Is it that I'm an exceptionally good actor in keeping up a good face, or is everybody looking the other way?

So... for a long long time, I've been teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown. However, it's not a guy's to succumb to one, so instead it's been... well, teetering.
Three years ago, I was happy. More or less unrestrictedly.
Two years ago, I was just satisfied.
One year ago, I was stressed.
Since then, I have been mostly unconditionally unhappy.

What a career, huh.

Last weekend I paid a long-overdue visit, and it helped me a lot. I found I don't need to try to keep up a place - in my heart, in others', whereever - just because I don't want to cause hurt.
Leaving this old place - allegedly - won't cause hurt.
Thank you. (Really.)

With this thing off my mind, I found I'm facing another issue. There's no place to go to. Or I don't know where to go to.
I find myself coming home after work, slumping down on the couch, switching on the TV set, and moronically wasting away the evenings until late at night.
This might happen once. Or twice. But no, it's happening every day. For a long time already. Hearing this from anybody else, I'd write off that guy as dumb, boring, or both. However, it's happening to me, so it's kind of a personal problem.
I keep escaping to office on weekends to get the impression of being productive.

If there were one single thing I'd have to pinpoint to put blame on, it would be this:



It's not anybody's fault. It just happens that phones are a problem. Am I irrational? Do I sound crazy? Probably I do... I'm lucid enough to see that. However, it remains an issue that the following chain of events completely freaks me out recently...

Since some technical details of my phone contract were changed a few months ago, an incoming call triggers my answering machine first.
It beeps. It's a short, hard, loud beep.
A short silence follows, succeeded by the start of the phone handset ringing shortly after.
It rings. It doesn't ring continously. Its volume ramps up to a maximum, stays there for a while, then the handset klicks and the cycle starts anew. Inbetween, not all rings come regularly. It's more closely resembling a case of arrhythmia.
After several more rings, the answering machine picks up.
Silence while the answering machine talks to the phone line.
Then, some beeping emanates from the machine; the sound of the line after the phone has been hung up on the other side.
Sometimes, this whole sequence is ensued by a starting vibration somewhere else in my apartment; the mobile starts ringing.

Not even after, no - during the first beep my heart starts pounding hard. It completely freaks me... it's not beating, it's pounding.

I hate it.

I found myself switching off the phone more and more often recently. Including mobile. Including answering machine.

I'm not blaming anyone. Obviously I just focused everything on telecommunications.
Many, many of my most intense feelings and experiences have revolved around the phone, for many years. Mind, I'm not talking dirty talk here. But nearly every important decision in my personal life has been done on the phone. I've had lots of very personal emotions transmitted down the handset.
My phone is running out of ringtones I can switch to which are not emotionally laden. Can it be I need to buy a new phone just because it would ring differently?

Somehow, I need to get some things straight. Emotions always take me too long. I'm running out of concentration. I'm running of out emotion. And I'm running out of personal life. Prime, quality, personal life.